Tuesday, November 27, 2007


Guess I owe you an update on the cemetery situation with dad. I got an e-mail on Nov 18th confirming that the stone has been located and placed. I asked if it was in the location where dad was interned last fall or in the location indicated on the map that Tammy and I had been shown when we purchased the plots; they responded that it was in the mapped location and also attached a picture showing the labelled vault in open ground (the urn is in the vault) with the stone beside it. While some might consider such a photo to be a bit grim, I was actually glad that they had sent it because my next question would have been if they had located dad as well as the stone. Without the photo I'd have had lingering doubts about whether dad was really with the stone or not, now my mind is at rest (yay!) So thank you cemetery staff; thank you!

On Locker Room Nudity

Okay, so I've rejoined the Y after a few years absence and they've re-modeled the locker rooms in the meantime. The most notable change? Dividers between the showers with curtains you can pull across the front for privacy. WTF? About half of the showers are still old-school open style ones, and I just use those because I picture all the weird scums and moulds and shit that must be growing in the corners of those stalls. (You can't tell me that they receive a good top to bottom bleaching that gets into all the nooks and crannies of those divider brackets on anything near to a regular basis.) There's just like one guy in his 60's and me that use the open showers now, and everyone else just sort of looks at us like we're carrying the plague. When did this happen? Why did this happen?

As a child of the 70's I always feel like I live in the future, but I always expected that that future would be co-ed; not pru-ed. Is it because we're more open and accepting of gays? Do straight people now feel like gays are everywhere, checking us out if we dare to shower openly in our own locker rooms? (Personally I'd find that to be a huge complement!) Why is it that the guys who grew up in the straight laced 40's and 50's have no issues with this, while the guys that grew up in the freewheeling 80's and 90's now cover themselves for every possible second that they can while getting changed at the gym?

I have to admit, I just don't get it...

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Release me

So I'm supposed to be partying with my friends right now. They're all at Zone having a great time and I'm sitting in the parking lot of a fucking McDonalds with no clue what to do with myself. I was with them, and we were all having a great time, but then suddenly I just felt so overwhelmed by the same old shit that I just had to get out of there.

I hate this. It's not the first time it's happened either. It hit me in Montreal too last month and ruined an otherwise perfect weekend. One minute I'm surrounded by friends, and music, and lights; and everything just feels so amazing and then boom -- I'm instantly massively overwhelmed by these feelings of being so fucking alone.

It's like... I just want to be able to share this experience with somebody; special. To just reach out and give them a kiss or a squeeze or whatever and know that they're feeling it too; having this same incredible time with me. But I can't -- Tammy's not here with me. Can't be. Won't be. Won't. Ever. Be.

I can't even tell her about it after the fact... I'm so afraid that she'll end up feeling the same feelings of loss that overwhelm me, and I don't want her to suffer that too. She still seems to get pleasures out of the life that she has now despite all of the losses. Always happy, always smiling. It's like this thing that's stolen her brain; that's stealing her life; also takes any capacity for her to recognize or mourn over the loss. Her approach to life has the same innocence and wonderment as a child, always happy about what is instead of sad about what isn't. I really can't dare do anything that risks breaking that spell.

So what do I do? Unable to move forward, unable to move behind. I just want out but there is no way out. She has to die and I don't want that; or I have to die and I don't want that. (Though it's sure been on my mind a lot lately and I wish these thoughts would just go the fuck away.)

I want to be out but how do I get out? How do I enjoy life? Who the fuck do I get to share it with -- the joy, the pain, love? I so don't want to be alone anymore but when I start this car and leave this parking lot; no matter where I go, I am still going to be. Fuck. FUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKK!

Okay so it's been an hour. I need out of this lot. I'm going; somewhere. Wish me luck.

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Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Funny story, they've lost dad...

So last year when dad's ashes were interned, it had seemed to me that the place where they'd broke ground did not match my memory of the plots that Tammy and I had purchased. It was in the correct general area along the back bank under a tree like I remembered, but on the left edge of a major section boundary whereas I remembered a different tree about 10 columns to the right.

Last week mom got a call that the stone was finally in place, so on Saturday we headed out to the cemetery with neighbours Rosemary and Rosemary in tow. All year long we could never quite find the exact location, since it was on an empty corner and the grass had healed well in the spring. Now with the stone finally in place we figured we'd know exactly where dad is. Wrong. The stone was not to be found. I called the administrator on my cell and with the cemetery being in such a small and friendly town she was on site with the map in about 10 minutes. After consulting the map she then led us to the place I remembered from when Tammy and I had purchased the plots. Oops. And the punchline? The stone wasn't there either!

She apologized profusely and explained that the last bill from the caretaker had included the stone placement charges, so she'd called mom assuming that the work had been done. After promising to call the caretaker to find out what's happened to the stone, I then told her about the mismatch between our plots and the burial location as we recall it. She promises to get to the bottom of that too, and I've e-mailed her my photos from last year to help with the investigation.

Fortunately mom has taken it all in stride and doesn't seem upset by this at all, I was really worried about that when I realized the scope of what happened. Effectively, they've lost dad!