Sunday, November 11, 2007

Release me

So I'm supposed to be partying with my friends right now. They're all at Zone having a great time and I'm sitting in the parking lot of a fucking McDonalds with no clue what to do with myself. I was with them, and we were all having a great time, but then suddenly I just felt so overwhelmed by the same old shit that I just had to get out of there.

I hate this. It's not the first time it's happened either. It hit me in Montreal too last month and ruined an otherwise perfect weekend. One minute I'm surrounded by friends, and music, and lights; and everything just feels so amazing and then boom -- I'm instantly massively overwhelmed by these feelings of being so fucking alone.

It's like... I just want to be able to share this experience with somebody; special. To just reach out and give them a kiss or a squeeze or whatever and know that they're feeling it too; having this same incredible time with me. But I can't -- Tammy's not here with me. Can't be. Won't be. Won't. Ever. Be.

I can't even tell her about it after the fact... I'm so afraid that she'll end up feeling the same feelings of loss that overwhelm me, and I don't want her to suffer that too. She still seems to get pleasures out of the life that she has now despite all of the losses. Always happy, always smiling. It's like this thing that's stolen her brain; that's stealing her life; also takes any capacity for her to recognize or mourn over the loss. Her approach to life has the same innocence and wonderment as a child, always happy about what is instead of sad about what isn't. I really can't dare do anything that risks breaking that spell.

So what do I do? Unable to move forward, unable to move behind. I just want out but there is no way out. She has to die and I don't want that; or I have to die and I don't want that. (Though it's sure been on my mind a lot lately and I wish these thoughts would just go the fuck away.)

I want to be out but how do I get out? How do I enjoy life? Who the fuck do I get to share it with -- the joy, the pain, love? I so don't want to be alone anymore but when I start this car and leave this parking lot; no matter where I go, I am still going to be. Fuck. FUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKK!

Okay so it's been an hour. I need out of this lot. I'm going; somewhere. Wish me luck.

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