Thursday, January 24, 2008


So I woke up this morning from the first dream I've had about Tammy. (That I recall; I almost never have any recollection of even having had dreams.) In it I was with her and her mother and some anonymous social workers in some sort of institutional setting and she'd just had (but quickly recovered from) an episode like 2006's in which she almost died, and because of that she was scheduled to be 'put down' the next morning. We were going over old pictures of her's from before I had met her and talking about things she had done and places she'd been, and discovered a photo of her and an old high school boyfriend who turns out to be someone who's now a really good friend of mine (real friend, fictional picture and storyline -- the random stupidity of dreams). Then we both began crying about how she wasn't going to get to see him again before 'the end' and he didn't even know what she was going through now; and that turned into an argument with the social workers about why it had to be tomorrow (more stupidity: she could stand, pace and argue like nothing was wrong with her) and "Couldn't we just have one more day?" etc. Then she said something like "Fucking good life I've had, haven't I?" Not in the good way but like in her diaries when she was battling depression; and that's when I woke up shaking.

Okay. So I don't care if I have dreams about Tammy, fuck I want to have dreams about Tammy, but not like this one. Not like this. Fucking great day I'm going to have at work today aren't I?

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