Monday, March 06, 2006

Glimpse of the future

I got a call from a friend on thursday night that she'd be in town friday and in need of a shoulder, her grandfather was terminally ill and they'd be pulling the plug. I can't imagine how you deal with a thing like that so my answer was 'of course'. Things went 'as planned' friday evening and I drove her back to Toronto in the wee hours of the morning. We talked during the drive; which mainly means that I listened, nodded occasionally and tried to say 'supportive things' in response to rhetorical questions.

She didn't expect to be in the room when he died but he held on for a few hours and she ended up being one of the few strong ones in the family who was there throughout the ordeal. She was holding his hand when he literally took his last breath, and on the drive back to TO she was clearly struggling to determine if that was a good thing or a bad thing; right or wrong. I think it was a good thing and that subconsciously she must have wanted to be there; we discussed it at length but I don't think she's convinced. The funeral's today and she's back in town, I hope she gives me a call tonight just to let me know how she's doing. (I don't want to call her since she'll no doubt be with family all day.)

I didn't let it in at the time and went on about the rest of my weekend. Tammy and I went to church on sunday, then she was home with me for the day. When I started getting her ready to go back around 7:00 p.m. she put up a huge fuss about it being so early, which turned into an argument, which turned into us not talking to each other while I forcibly got her dressed and loaded into the car with only one sleave of her winter jacket on. By the time we actually got to the nursing home it was 8:15 and they were going to give her her shower. I went out to the car to fetch the feed pump, only to realize that it got left at home due to the argument. By the time I returned to the nursing home with the pump it was after 9:00 and it turned out that Tammy didn't get her shower because they'd already started snacks when we got there, and after that there wasn't enough time left before shift change for them to give her a proper one, and after handoff it would be too late. (See wife, there's reasons I try to get you back to the home when I do!) Of course I wouldn't get to start my dinner until almost 10:00, so it was a shoe-in that I ended up eating some crap from a fast food joint for supper, again. (KFC)

After dinner I thought a lot of black thoughts about how I just can't wait until all this is over, which lead me back to my friend's experience, and how Tammy's end will go. Will I be there? Will I be like my friend's aunt and have just stepped out of the room for a break? Will it be unexpected and I'll be at home, or at work, or god forbid at a club whooping it up? Will I be able to live with myself if I miss it? I hope I don't miss it; nobody should ever die alone. I love you hon.

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